I am going to post some jokes every so often, mabey like twice a week. I make sure their funny   Here's todays joke:

Joke 1
An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
three times.
Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sins?
Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man: I'm Jewish
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man: I'm telling everybody!

Joke 2
another joke.... i got plenty!

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and
asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?!!!

Another...

The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

Each week i'll post a poll on your favorite joke.

( edited by Razon )

Please do not double post, there is something called an edit button.
Read the rules before posting. Rules

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"Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but they're not entitled to their own facts."

so far im not laughing...there not really funny

Alright, i got one.

There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum...

... and one night, they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape. So, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the roof tops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight...

... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no promblem. But his friend on the other hand, well his friend darden't make the leap. You see, he's afraid of falling. So then the first guy has an idea...

He says "HEY! I have my flashlight with me! I'll turn it on and shine it across the gap between the two buildings, so you can walk along the beam and join me!" But the second guy just shakes his head. He says ''Wh- What do you think i am? CRAZY!?''  

"You'd turn it off once i was half way across!"  





lol... Alright, i had actually taken this joke from a batman graphic novel called "Batman: The Killing Joke". So did anyone else think it was funny besides me??  

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The size of the world has changed. It's changed to the size were you can control it with your hands just like a PDA. The world will keep getting smaller.

fine, no double posting, sorry. But here's another joke.        

Speeding & the Wife

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I
clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer,
I had it at cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs
calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, "Now,
don't be silly dear. You know this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
and grows, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife
smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector
went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for
the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says
through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth
shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your
seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah,
well, you see, officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me
over so I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says,
"Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.
You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police
officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife
and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?"

The officer looks over at the wife & asks, "Does your husband always
talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking!"


This should be funny. I think it is! And this is another one!
it's EXTREAMLY LONG!
Called: My mother taught me...

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next
week!"

4.My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"



I read the rules, there's nothing on having really long posts. this isn't my best joke..

Three blonds walked into a bar and said ouch.

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lol, but i heard it a lot :-p
And YET ANOTHER!
2 diffrent jokes :-)

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.



SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . having friends.
At age 80 success is . not peeing in your pants.

heh, the success one was kind of funny

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another! W00T. ^^"
pretty long...

What's UP?


You lovers of the English language might enjoy this.
There is a two-letter word that perhaps
has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed! UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP! almost 1/4th of the page
and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time,but if you don't give UP,
you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets UP the earth.

When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,
for now my time is UP, so.............
Time to shut UP.....!

Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?
U P

heh, that was more an insight of the word rather then a joke (minus the end) It was an interesting thought. *nod*

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It got annoying...

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"Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but they're not entitled to their own facts."

Wellll, anyway i think this one is very funny. :-)

The Mole Family

-- A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles
are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is....



Are you sure you're ready?
You may never forgive me for this one...


(Highlight below to see the punchline)
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
------------> Molasses <-----------

NOTE: i don't make the jokes...       but i wish i had the ability to make jokes like these  
The "are you ready" part was part of the joke when i copied it.  

Well that wasn't really funny at all...

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"Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but they're not entitled to their own facts."

I got the joke, but i didn't find it that funny...